rubbish.hhah.not craps anymore.

hmm.
nyappy in the world.
totally not what i am feeling now.
i'm not nyappy.i'm crappy.
hahahahah.

i want to be what i am.
not what i have to be.
i want to stop caring about what other people thinks about me.
i want to do whatever i want.
i want to shout at everybody i hate.
to tell them to stay out of my affairs.
to tell them to scram and get the hell out of my life.
that they are maggots.idiots.jerks.and they are not better than i am.
i want to hug whoever i want to.
not who i have to hug.
i want to cry anywhere and anytime i feel like to.
not when i am supposed to.
i want to laugh out loud at other people's misery.tell them that they were supposed to get that.
not to console them as i was told.
i want to scream like i am crazy.and sing in front of millions without shaking.
to roll on the floor when i'm unhappy.and cry like there's no tomorrow.

maybe i'll do that all when i finally lose my mind.
and maybe i'll lose my mind in near future becoz of having to bottle up everything in my mind but not letting them float in the sea of misery.
maybe it will never happen.not in a hundred years.not in a thousand years.not in a million years.
maybe i'll die before it'll happen.
hahahhahaha.
not looking forward for it to happen.
but also not crossing out any possibility.
so if anyone sees the signs of this happening.
please contact the nearest psychologist or even mental hospital.
hhahahhahhaha

strange dream

last night i dreamt about something strange.
it was so strange that now i wonder how did i ever made such a dream.
hahaha

the scene is at my school.again.
*oh.i had so many dreams about doing something strange at school.*

i could only remember some parts.
others are blurry.
i remember it started in my class.
there was like a class decorating competition.
i walked out of my class and saw many of my class mates and a few juniors decorating the board in front of each classes.
and as i walk further from my class' board, i saw many others.
there was one that caught my attention the most
it was the board with a picture of tetsu. the bassist of L'Arc~en~Ciel.
i started to call my friend, nanda, and asked her to take a look as she liked tetsu.
then i walked to see another board that was already decorated too.
and on the board there were also writings and pictures of a few of my favorite band members.
i was so happy and excited while looking at those pics until i finally realized that nanda and a few other friends were already walking down the stairs.
i quickly ran towards them and when i arrived near the stairs and tried to walk down, i felt like i was floating down the stairs, instead of walking down it.
it was such a delightful feeling that when i finally arrived downstairs i was really far behind them.
then a few things happened.i couldn't remember.
then the next thing i remember was that one of my friend that i haven't talked to for a while called me.
and when i tried to talk to her, nothing came out from my mouth.
i lost my voice.
i tried so hard and spoke with a very low and croaky voice.
and then she also replied in a soft voice.
then i think i fell asleep or fainted or something.
and when i was conscious,i saw my phone
there were many missed calls.
i frantically tried to call everyone on the missed call list when i realized i was in a car and was going to somewhere i don't know.

then i woke up.
the first thing i did was clearing my throat and tried to speak.
my voice was still there.
hhah
thanks God.
i was so scared.
but now i'm having a flu and my throat hurts.
so my voice is a bit croaky
hhahaha
but not as croaky as it was in the dream
hhah

i'm back with many craps.hhah

a few minutes ago i was thinking of what i will post about
then a few minutes later.that's now.i will write about something that bothers me since a few days ago.

a few things have happened at school lately.
one thing that bugs me very much is the fact that friends around me seems to hate each other.
even though i was not the one who hates another or was being hated,
it just seems like i found out that i never did understand my friends to the fullest.
not deep enough to know that they have such behaviors that disturbs my thoughts so much
=(


another one is about the debate that our class had on conversation class.
the topic is polygamy

x>polygamy=practice of having more than one wife or husband at once.

we were divided into pro and cons.
of course i was in the contradicting group.
i so hate guys who wants to have more than one wives.
esp.kevin.
his reasons was plainly excuses.
how could anyone say that if a guy have more than one wives because that guy wants to
"save" that woman.
i still couldn't make any sense about the "saving" part

my class was like a zoo when we were debating.
of course girls would not agree on polygamy.
and apparently kevin was so agreeable with the term polygamy,that i think he was really going to have more than one wife in his life.
hhahahahahaha.

but that's just his current thoughts.
maybe he'll change his mind someday.
hahahahah
i sure hope so.
=p

hhahahahha.
so that's all of my crap for now.
maybe later today i'll write more craps.
it's 12.46 am.!
btw.
happy Nyepi to all Hindus
=]